this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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