I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
