Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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