My balls are so social today.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
