I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
