when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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