How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
