Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
