Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
