My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
