I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
