I just made out with a guy for $7.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
