true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
