I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
