Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
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I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
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Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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