I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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