It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
