just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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