see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
