Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i think i just lost a toe
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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