i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
