My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Come on in and take your pants off
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