Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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