On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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