that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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