Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
