someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i already hear my dad disowning me
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
