You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
