The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
