PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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