so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is Oprah even human
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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