I want to make a zoo with you.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
