if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
