Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
