Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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