i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
