Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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