Do you still have your period?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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