If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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