Don't you send me to vm
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
