life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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