im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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