This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
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You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
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How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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