He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
