please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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