Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
