I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
