rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
