real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
