I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm passing your future prison.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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