Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
