Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
