Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
