I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
