she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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