You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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