I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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