She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
