U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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